


Relapse of Judgment

by Birdie_Castellan



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Amnesia, Amnesiac Harry, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Diary/Journal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Harry Needs a Hug, Head Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, No Dialogue, No Romance, Past Character Death, Sick Harry, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:22:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28539534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birdie_Castellan/pseuds/Birdie_Castellan
Summary: What was Harry Hart thinking about when faced with death?Sometimes even Harry doesn't have all the answers. Especially when it comes to V-day.Or: Harry can't remember the church massacre. He's frustrated that he can't remember something he was there for. Angst ensues.
Relationships: Harry Hart | Galahad & Daisy Unwin, Harry Hart | Galahad & Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Harry Hart | Galahad & Merlin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	Relapse of Judgment

**Author's Note:**

> I threw my angst from my own head trauma related memory issues onto poor Harry, and this is what I ended up with. Sorry for all the memory issues, Haz! I didn't mean to do this to you _again_
> 
> Someone take this man away from me, I keep giving him trauma and memory loss and sadness. The poor man has a serious case of ennui.
> 
> I've had a gap in my memory for 9 years and it still bugs me. I know I'll never get those memories back, but I still want them nonetheless.

He knew what had happened. Of course he knew, he'd been told often enough that he could recite the events leading up to V-day as though he was there, which frustrated Harry to no end. Because of course he should be able to speak about it like he was there, he'd had a hand in the church massacre leading up to V-day after all.

But that was the crux of the issue, wasn't it?

No matter how many times Eggsy rehashed the trauma of seeing his mentor be mind controlled into murdering an entire church of bigots, and no matter how many times he watched himself exit said church only to face down the barrel of Richmond Valentine's gun, Harry still had some gaps.

What had been thinking about on the plane ride over to America? What was his last clear thought before Valentine's sim cards took hold? His first clear thought once the rage passed? What was he thinking about as the bullet pierced his skull?

Was he thinking about Eggsy, alone in his house and awaiting his return? Was he apologizing to Merlin, knowing the man would have to oversee the replacement of his best friend?

Was he thinking about the irony of his situation, that the one time he had someone counting on his safe return would be the time he expires in the field mid-mission?

Maybe he wallowed in the realization that he had now failed not one but two generations of Unwin men.

Or perhaps he decided to set all of his worries aside for just a moment, and allow himself to embrace the cold hand of Death.

Harry supposed it didn't matter now, seeing as he'd somehow clung to the warmth of Life with both hands, and had made it back to the land of the living relatively unharmed.

And he was grateful for it, don't ever doubt that for even a second.

But he was frustrated that something he experienced first hand was something he had nothing but his close friends and second hand witnesses of the account to rely on for information about a moment in his own life.

Oh how Harry wished he could pick his own brain! He just wanted to have the information that nobody but he ever could. And now the information was lost to him, possibly forever.

What was Harry Hart thinking about when faced with death?

He never wanted to suffer the fate of not knowing again. And so, Harry took his pen and committed his thoughts to paper.

It wasn't every fleeting thought that passed through his head, but any time he has a serious inquiry, or he thought about the small universe that weighed his shoulders down, he would write about it.

Eventually he started to write about the events of his day as well.

_Had lunch in the park with Eggsy and Daisy. She said my smile was absolutely braidiant! ('Radiant,' Eggsy had corrected, 'she means radiant, Haz.')_

_What if I was meant to die in the car park of that horrid church? But what if I was never meant to be there at all?_

_Been a tad 'doom and gloom' today, as Merlin so kindly pointed out. I've been a bit under the weather recently, maybe I've caught a cold. (I'm on my third cuppa of the day, and it's only noon!)_

_Got to the shop, at noon today, to find Eggsy standing in front of the door. As soon as he saw me, he turned me around and pushed me back in the taxi and slid in beside me. Brought me home, sent me to bed. Said he'd wake me when the soup is ready._  
_If it were anyone else, I would've put up more of a fight. But Eggsy has such a large heart, and I know he would be worried about me otherwise. (Besides, that boy can be quite the mother-hen when he chooses to be.)_

 _I feel like I've arrived at the baggage claim in an airport and found an extra bag that matches my luggage perfectly, but I pass it off as someone else's until someone runs after me to ask if it's mine._  
_I go to protest, because I only brought the bags that I'd already grabbed, but suddenly I see the tag on it, identical to the one's on my luggage, with my name staring up at me._  
_Suddenly I have to reshuffle all of my bags until I can handle carrying the extra weight without dropping the others. But sometimes the extra baggage can be a pleasant surprise to unpack._

_Started doing puzzles with Daisy today. Her favourites so far are the princess ones and the dinosaur ones. She finished all of them by the time Eggsy came to pick her up. I'll have to get some slightly more challenging puzzles for the next time she comes for a visit._

_Thought about V-day again today. Didn't want to dwell on it too long. Eggsy says that what we do now matters more than what we've done in the past. He's a smart lad, maybe I should listen to him more often. And Merlin. I'll never admit that to either of them though._

_Daisy drew me such a lovely picture, she even labeled it for me (what a smart girl! And she's only 6!). There's a small figure putting together what looks to be a jigsaw puzzle, labeled 'Mizz Daisy' and a larger figure beside her named 'Umkle Hazzy'. I'm going to frame it and put it up in the living room above the china cabinet._

_The past is the past, there's no changing it. But the future is ever changing with the events of the present. I'll never know what I thought about in that church, but does it really matter now? It's time for me to put the past behind me, and start being present in my future._  
_Oh, that was cheesy of me. I can practically hear Eggsy snickering at me for that one. But I digress._

 _If Daisy ends up being even half as sharp as her brother (and I'm sure she'll be far smarter), I'm sure she could be a great asset to Kingsman one day. But that will be a while yet._  
_For now I shall continue to let her use me to practice her make-up skills on. Because what are Uncle Harry's for, if not to be put in a tiara, large ball gown, and to wear matching purple lipstick (She turns 11 today)._  
_They always grow up so fast._

**Author's Note:**

> I was talking to my fellow writer friends while writing this and made several analogies that actually ended up in here. 
> 
> One was about writing fics like these being the same as typing out a super long and emotional text that you never send to anyone. You just needed to get the words out, you didn't acrually need them to read it.
> 
> The other one was the extra luggage at baggage claim, and I'm very proud of myself for writing that one into the story.
> 
> Oh, also!  
> Dan!  
> Dan, please don't kill me!  
> Love you Dan!  
> I'm sorry for the angst!  
> Don't kill me, please!
> 
> If you want more fics about Harry struggling with his memory loss, please tell me!
> 
> If you wanna come scream at me for giving you more angst, please feel free to go scream at me on tumblr @dauntlessdiva


End file.
